Dear Mr TV Licencing Authority

==== AN OPEN LETTER ====

I am at a loss for words...

Well I was, but I have subjected myself to intense pyschotherapy since receiving your letters beginning in 2008. Feeling somewhat repaired I now seem to have enough vocabulary restored to respond to your most recent correspondence.

This is the second debarcle I have had with you clowns incidentally - you can check your CRM system, if you like, for our correspondence dated 2006.

That incident rose to you sending me threatening letters when I had an entirely valid licence which I could present for said address - completely processed on-line - so you can imagine my confidence (sic) in 'your machinery' when 'they' have obviously been designed to keep relevant information from the poor humans who suffer working in your organisation... like mushrooms in the dark...

Anyway on to the current cluster-f#%k.

Having been not so amused by receiving your correspondence after the purchase of a new TV in 2008 where you were clearly statutorily able to simply get my address from the retailer - (by the way could you please respond with the details of the Act which gives you this power including the appropriate exclusion provisions I sincerely hope you can quote in the Data Protection Act?) - I'll have to admit the first letter was pretty simple.

There was an existing licence at said address and I followed your instructions, feverishly, mis-guided by the belief that your antiquated computer systems would do as you had so implied  - and correctly associate the reference number of the letter of demand you had sent me with the reference number of the current, valid, licence held at this address.

Thereby... (for any thinking, prescient, functioning, and/or individual organism [and in fairness, probably, bacteria]) clearing all further potential claims of criminality which might accrue, on my behalf, by apparently having attempted to avoid paying the £139.50 per year to watch the intensely depressing, facile, or stupid sh#% which is generally served up as 'public television' in most western countries these days...

All was well in my, now, feeling less criminal for having purchased a TV, peaceful mind...

Until... shortly there after I received another letter - with no reference to the first - only referring again to the fact that I had  (criminally?) purchased a new TV - but this time to my work address!

Possibly high praise indeed I thought! You think I'm such a clever and sneaky bastard I'm packing my TV up, each and every day, and taking it to my work address to watch it so I can avoid paying my share of Jonathon Ross' salary this year!

It was only a short time before I realised it was not a compliment however - it was simply the fact that you have access to every delivery address that's in my Amazon account. I do hope you sent like letters of demand to my house in Australia and my friends in the UK, New Zealand and Canada!? And as stated above I really would appreciate return advice as to Acts, regulations, and exemptions which give you unrestricted access to this data.

Do you not think my boss would have noticed me 'sneaking' a 32 inch widescreen LCD TV onto my desk at work to watch it at that address?

No - I doubt you would have thought about this - because it is patently clear that your organisation is pathologically stupid.

Anyway now you know that I am quite happy for you to legally pursue me all you like for having no TV licence, or TV, at my work address...

Imagine what the Judge might say:
"Sir, did you establish the location of the said receiving device?..."
"Umm, no..."
"Yet you continued to send letters of demand to an address where you had no idea whether there was any receiving device whatsoever?"
"Umm, yes..."
Judge:
"You f#%king idiot, case dismissed..."

To conclude though, never let it be said that I don't try and find 'a positive light' on most events...

With your tenacious approach to compliance, and trying to find 'illegal transactions', it seems to me that your services might be mis-placed.  You would surely make more money by hiring yourselves as consultants to the Financial Services Authority, The Bank of England, and/or HM Treasury?...

(hmm.. wouldn't that be 'my' tax-payers money too?... bugger...)

No - hang-on - that's not actually very positive is it?

Because it is crystal clear that not one those organisations - or yours - has the faintest f#%king clue about what's going on anywhere, anytime, in any sphere of reality, or actuality ...

Oh well.. never mind... I enclose "27 8x10 glossy photographs..."...

Oh s#%t... no I don't...

Here are the photocopies of your documents and associated evidence for you to sort through and work out for your-bloody-selves... I couldn't be ar**d...

Yours, and Ooroo

==== END OF AN OPEN LETTER ====